It’s been three months since my last ramblings of misery, joy, tears and laughter so I feel an urge to release some spunk of creative juices and provide an update. Here in London all is well, the other day I heard a bunch of Indian’s walking down the street saying the monsoon season in Calcutta was mild in comparison to a British summer….I am really not feeling the global warming its freezing in London, so when I go to bed at night I leave my 3.0 liter german engineering marvel running just to heat up my street with a little Co2….We need it! If I see some eco-warrior with jesus sandals walking near my gas guzzling beast I purposely rev the engine and I will keep doing this until I see some sunshine…..I still think driving an SUV around central London is a little extreme. SUV’s were designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture America, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert… But on the other hand if SUV’s help heat up London then pls step on the gas you middle-aged mum on way to school. Ahh I miss summer, heat fumes and pollution. Summertime in London its wonderful being on the tube next to illegal immigrants that haven’t changed their shirt since Baghdad café on route from Kabul!
In the past few months I have become an undercover professional dog smuggler wanted by the Interpol with posters of me bend over by a Doberman pinscher from the Animal Health centre in Heathrow, I have been cautioned by the police, I have travelled 3000 miles of tarmac sharing the lonely nights with porno- hungry truck drivers buying filthy magazines in empty European gas stations, my wife filled my brake fluid holder with tears of anger, and in the end we lost both dogs. I broke the 1974 Rabies act by bringing two French bulldog puppies from Paris to London. After the vet reported us we needed to re-export the dogs back to France. The animal health inspector from Heathrow I believe had a severe case of rabies but luckily in non-vaccinated humans, rabies is almost invariably fatal after neurological symptoms have developed….So if my dreams come true Chuck Norris will visit the animal health inspection clinic and give the health officer a round house kick so they fly out the building and land on the run-way just as a fully loaded Air India 747 from Mumbai touches down, and I hope the septic tank on the plane crack’s after 384 passengers with delhi belly have unloaded their guts on top of the animal centre. As a result of losing our two puppies my bedroom look’s like the funeral procession of Ted Bundy, my wife has been sitting in the corner of my living room listening to Telegraph road by Dire Straits looking like Madge from Dame Edna…..Luckily I am not alone in this misery as Jose Morinho from Chelsea also had to go through the same process, the only difference was that he got a lear-jet to fly his yorkshire terrier back to Portugal, well I guess I would have done the same if a wild russian would continually shower me with oil from siberia. So my final conclusion on the rabies act of 1974 is that its as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm, and I would rather eat a capsule of cyanide with my Cornflakes than smuggle another dog into Britain.
How can I forget about Chairman’s Mao sibling that I married a few years back. She still claims that I have the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis, and that when I fall asleep at night it feels like an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard of a car blowing at you through a straw. If it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. And my wife is dictating that we get another dog, while the other two have kindly been adopted by my generous parents in france. We again went for a small french bulldog but this time mixed with boston terrier. This is probably the best of the small dogs that still appears macho. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying “Oh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases”. But on the other hand its an ugly dog, in fact it just looks like a scrotum, which at times can be attractive, and we are collecting him on Sunday. My wife keeps telling me it will be comfortable to have another dog…. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?” No in fact we are extremely excited about the new addition to the family and will collect it on Sunday….So until next time, take care of yourself and your family.
All the breast
Danepack Shakur
