In June global warming was working its magic and the heat wave in London was making anyone on the tube feel like they had swine flu in their underwear. It was on June 12th that Danepack Shakur was sitting at home practising his lyrical masterpiece “Offshore The Wife” which should go platinum in Calcutta by year end, that suddenly all peace and radio silence was broken from the living room. His beloved wife the VC specialist in black pyjamas Reina “Tunnel” Tan launched a Tet offensive. Upon entering the room it was evident that the bun we placed in the oven 9 months ago was coming out. Reina yelled at me with a skewed Sylvester Stalloneish’ mouth “It drew first blood not me”. One moment later she was as calm as a librarian 5 years past menopause. Then 3 minutes later she looked like Jack Torrance from the Shining yelling “Christian I’am home” but luckily no axe was present for her to chop down our house. So we decided to visit St Mary’s hospital at 9.30pm. We get into the birth centre and Reina looks about as calm as Clint Eastwood in a 1960’s spaghetti western. I tried to hurry her up while walking from the car and Reina looked at me while lighting a match on her chin “Dying ain’t much of a livin’, boy. You know, this really isn’t necessary. You can just turn around and walk on outta’ here if you want to live”. Of course I stayed like a loyal Labrador drooling with happiness and excitement about the next chapter in the birth adventure.

The midwife informs us that most people that arrive at the centre get sent home early because they are not 4cm dilated (You need to be 10cm to give birth). Five minutes later cold KY Gel & rubber glove on the hands of a lady who used to play for the Harlem Globe Trotters confirm that Reina is 8cm dilated and almost ready for the final push up the beach. Normally at that stage of labour women sound like they dropped off a mountain, but Reina is sitting calmly in a chair with eyes that made Lance Armstrong look weak when he clinched his seventh Tour De France. We brace ourselves for a rough landing when Eagle 1 might spin out of control since it is our first one, we both have some gas, water, chill out music, surrounded by brilliant staff, occasional swearing by Reina, and then suddenly my wife she looks at me and says “I know what you’re thinking, punk. You’re thinking, did she push six or only five times? Well to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being as my birth canal is like a .44 Magnum, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” at that magical moment with a little help and some incredible stamina by Reina…Maya Hesselhoj was born on June 13th at 2.55am (5 hours after getting to the hospital), weighing in at 9.5lb’s in the blue corner, fighting out of Maida Vale. SO NOW LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE…..

Maya was so big when she came out that she asked if she could borrow my jacket for the ride home and if I could stop at McDonalds for a happy meal… So what have I learned by being a daddy for 6 weeks….if your baby’s beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma. I think an appropriate definition of a baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Now on that happy bombshell I hope you & your families are doing well & look forward to meeting up soon.

Asta La Vista
Danepack Shakur

PS: Diaper backward spells “repaid”. Think about it