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The new government has finally come up with the new proposed government cuts and it is bad timing for me. After reading a story about a Somalian bus conductor, wife and 7 children living in a 6 bedroom house in Notting Hill paid for by the tax payer costing £85,000 per year and another 3 families living a similar urban life of luxury claiming between them £450,000 in government support I started a cunning plan. I got my hair made into an afro, took 12 sunbeds while covered in baby oil, asked Reina to wear two wooden legs so I could tell the benefits office she blew both legs off while playing hide/seek in the Cambodian rice fields, but that wasn’t enough because we only have 1 child. So I asked the nursery where Maya is, if we could borrow 6 children in the lunch break and I would have brought the whole circus down to the benefits office and got myself an MTV Style crib with indoor bowling alley & a Jacuzzi large enough to have two sperm whales make love in it….so we could be sitting on our large fat backsides sippin’ on gin and juice while the battered middle class working 40-60 hour weeks could have taken care of the bill……bummer they have now capped housing support to £400 per week which would have bought me a palace in Africa but now means I will be forced to move the family to the suburbs……aarrrggghhhhh. I only ever got to contribute to the tax system for 12 years and I still have not found a cunning plan to milk it….Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out…. It’s all about timing….or become an immigrant with tons of kids and the government will spoil you rotten.

Benjamin Franklin once said “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days”, but over the years we always enjoyed guests staying with us…..  But since having a child no one asks if they can come and stay with us……. you don’t need to live in a bad neighbourhood just have a noisy kid and people will avoid your guest room like the plague…..so coming back to the kid….she is sending shockwaves through the neighbourhood with her out of tune dancing in front of the television. When North Korea sparks World War 3 and the cockroaches finally die, all that will be left is my daughter sitting on my tombstone wondering what to eat next.  She has a healthy appetite and I have been told by some of the staff in the nursery that she is immensely strong and confident for her age. She often takes toys from kids twice her age and if they resist they get a back-hand combined with a bear-hug…mummy and I try to tell her what is right and wrong……she generally responds with this answer “It was character that got me out of bed, commitment that moved me into getting the toys I wanted, and discipline that enabled me to follow through and scare away the other kids”….well  if she keeps that attitude as a teenager at least mummy and I can thank her for the many drinks of scotch we will be consuming.   

During the month of September we had Reina’s parents & brother stay with us for 3 weeks, we had a lovely time celebrating Maya’s Christening, travelling to Switzerland and going to a cousin’s wedding in Hampshire. I have named Reina’s dad and brother turtle one and turtle two because they are extremely slow in the bathroom….I could have started two new companies the time I was waiting outside the bathroom door. After a week of them being here we decided to drive to Switzerland….5 adults, 1 baby, 2 dogs, it was like watching Noah’s Ark in a Ford Galaxy rental car doing  56mpg along the smooth French highways. It must be a Chinese thing, but as soon as I put that cruise control on 80 mph everyone in the car was sound asleep…..not just sleeping but literally unconscious……. I could barely get the car into 6^th gear before it looked like the dude from “No Country For Old Men” used the captive bolt pistol “cattle gun” to knock them all out….occasionally turtle 1 (Reina’s dad) would wake up and mumble something out of sympathy for me being lonely driving for 12 hours…”hey Christian….it is dark”…..”hey Christian…12 km to the next gas station”…well thank you very much…how did he know I cannot read signs and I am a bat so I see well at night and had not noticed it was dark …very useful commands. After spending 3 weeks talking about health, vitamins and Chinese herbs I think I have become a hypochondriac. Yesterday it was brain damage from the vodka the night before. Friday, heart attack – my arm and chest started hurting at the same time, but then I realised I had been to the gym the day before….The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases!  Now on that happy bombshell, have a great last go at finishing off 2010 with a bang.

Laters

Danepack Shakur