Like this:

Every year begins and ends with the same broken, boozy, whispers of Gloria Gaynor promising to survive, or Bono singing what a beautiful day…..yep I can certainly see how you would want to live another day  if you have sold over 100 million records and every girl from a less developed country is chasing you for ending world poverty, but for crying out loud….can Gloria Gaynor just lose her voice. We don’t want to hear that song anymore. I have been listening to that same annoying song since the late 1980’s and even worse 1 or 2 generations above me have had the torture of listening to her since the 1978 release….I would like to change the chorus and sing the following:

Go on now go walk out the door and die
just turn around now and look at my shotgun….
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not you
please don’t survive
as long as i know how to shoot
I know you shall die
I’ve got all my life to hunt you down
I’ve got all my live rounds to give
and you will NOT survive
you will NOT survive

Arrgh I feel much better now after releasing some anger and frustration at that song surviving for 32 years. Back to my new year resolution discussion. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. We set out new goals, hopes and aspirations for an improved life. Jan 1, more than any other day of the year is about the future. Bono wants to save the world, Maya wants daddy to change the diaper, and the two dogs just want to suffocate me in my home office with farts that are lethal enough to take the lives of 4 adults in a closed train compartment.  So I guess we set out with all good intentions of creating change ….. I look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. The usual suspects for new year resolutions are give up smoking, lose weight, change job, travelling…the list goes on….. but think about this positive point…now there are more overweight people in the UK than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.

Towards the end of the year I always like catching up on news that made me laugh. From research across 450 CV’s submitted researchers found that 81% were laden with spelling and grammatical errors, missing comma’s in crucial places as in this example “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”.  For others, the omission of a single letter consigned their CV to the dustbin: “I am a pubic relations officer.” To be honest I might just invite someone like that in for an interview, they could have some interesting insights into latest trends on the genitalia space. Another news story that made me laugh was this one…. A man who tried to chat up a woman in a German nightclub dropped his false teeth down her cleavage. Shop assistant Tina Lange, 37, who met the man in a disco in Mannheim, said: “I wasn’t very interested in him but when I was leaving he whispered in my ear: ‘I hope we’ll see each other again.’ “He then dropped something down my cleavage, which I thought was his phone number.” But when she later went to fish it from between her breasts, she found it was a plate of three false teeth. She said: “If he wants his teeth back, he’ll have to ring me.” With the price of visiting dentists these days I have no doubts he made the call.

Reina, Maya and I managed to escape the claws of the cold Christmas by just a few hours. We left London on Dec 16th heading for the lush tropical climate of Penang. A few hours after our beloved 747 had blasted down the runway Heathrow shut down for 5 days due to snowflakes and incompetence. Someone in the planning department of Heathrow should be shot. How can the world’s busiest international airport only have 2 de-icing trucks?  Even Finland has 20, and 19 of them is for de-icing bottles of vodka and then 1 for the planes. England is like a third world country when it comes to dealing with snow….2 football supporters walking around Heathrow with a water pistol trying to clear tons of ice on a backlog of 233 planes. This has been 3 years in a row now, but I can think of a solution. Just block all the toilets and only allow people to urinate on the wings, it is green, environmentally friendly, people always drink loads in airports so they are constantly in need of the toilet….Job done! Now back to our Christmas break, well life is tough when you have affordable massages, food that is exciting and cheap, warm tropical weather with a beach on your door step…..well it really doesn’t take a lot to beat a cold, grey, and wet day in London being stuck on tube that is delayed while paying 50% tax. Reina’s parents were so helpful with babysitting, that Reina and I got to relive 1999 all over again….young, care free, irresponsible and just the right medication the doctor ordered with good friends in Penang.

Hope you and your loves ones had a nice start to 2011.

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