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Friends,

I am 35 years old, with a wife, two dogs, 1 kid and a mortgage. I pay tax, contribute to charity and recycle waste. I am a man, not just an adult male, but a confident, assured and responsible member of society.  And like most of you it takes a lot to freak me out these days, I have seen my fair share of freak shows, even if we were heading straight for the iceberg I would sit back and ask for more ice cubes for the gin/tonic…..and like most of you if the worst comes to the worst? Ah well no one gets out of here alive. But I am scared of moving house! I am a hoarder….I love to collect stuff and I am terrible at throwing things away….for some peculiar reason I always imagine sitting on a porch at 78 years old telling some old tale to Maya’s children about some strange postcard I received in 1998….even though I know the likelihood of that happening is small. Most likely at 78 I will have forgotten the story and by 2053 people will not be listening to stories, but inserting memory cards up their rectum to learn everything they need to know…literally bugger. Yet I can’t throw away old belongings…I cherish all my old university folders like I gave birth to them….For the love of god how and why can my notes on micro-economics  in particular the Stackelberg equilibrium be useful for anything but future toilet paper or two mice in the loft interested in game theory and market structure…..yet the mice or the termites in our new house will never get a chance to read all my old folders…..the general aka wife has no emotions towards the past….she presses the “defcon 3” button on anything that wasn’t bought yesterday…absolutely zero emotion towards anything personal, whereas I am still wearing t-shirts from my holiday to Corsica in 1990. Two souls, two hearts but only one decision maker!

We have now been homeless for 4 weeks but due to amazing generosity from family and friends we have kept a roof over our heads and that is good news for the homeless people of London, otherwise they would be awoken every night by a loud child (Maya). We are in the middle of a big house move as we left Maida Vale in early April. We have taken on a big project, we bought a house in Kensal Rise that has been abandoned for 2 years….my wife thought it would be fun to re-enact the construction of the Great Wall of China. The house smelled like Carl Lewis underwear after the final against Ben Johnson in Seoul 1988… mostly a few brown lines down the walls and with mold all over, but luckily I sent my wife in there with 10 Polish builders….her middle name is Cillit Bang (UK cleaning product that I like to call Clit Bang as it gets women excited on how well it cleans).  The art of house renovation is simple enough according to my wife. Find out where your builder is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can with a sharp bamboo cane, and keep moving on to the electrician, then the plumber and finally your husband. Every morning before the devil gets his shoes on she is at the building site screaming Chinese commands and whipping the Poles into shape.

They have been working non-stop (every week-end and bank holiday) for past 4 weeks and the project “you cannot fail or I will ram your testicle into your ears” is making steady progress (most of them would enjoy not being able to hear anymore, a testicle blocking the sound from my screaming wife might be a welcomed break). Most of the builders looked like Tom Cruise from Top Gun when they started, but have now deteriorated to Christian Bale from the Machinist…… thin, gaunt looks with black rings around the eyes and red marks down their backs from where Cleopatra whips them every morning. They promised us that we can move in by May 20^th unless they have any more “deaths” by building the bridge over river Kensal Rise. At night time the builders think they can relax….but wait a minute. Reina and her evil mini-me Maya Mouse monitor the site with night vision goggles. They put a breeching charge on the front door, flash bang in the corridor, and storm in with their SPAS-12 shot guns, and Kevlar weave stab vest shouting Mandarin commands to get the Poles fired up again….I think with operation Overlord managed by those two tyrants there is every possible chance we will be in on time…..we will then need them both to defend the compound from credit card companies and bank managers as we have gone so far over the budget that I think the Bank of England will raise interest rates next quarter. On that happy bombshell I hope you have a great summer.

Laters,

Danepack “very thin wallet” Shakur