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MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, This is Danepack Shakur, Danepack Shakur, Danepack Shakur

MAYDAY, MY POSITION IS Kensal Rise Coordinates: 51°31′51″N 0°13′29″W / 51.5308°N 0.2248°W / 51.5308;

I AM in deep shit with mad oriental woman and her mini-me WITH (10) PERSONS ON BOARD, I REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE……

Those were the distress calls I sent out on June 4^th when moving into our new house after finding my wife had castrated the builders in our back yard with a rusty metal chop stick. They worked tirelessly on the panzer steel bunker to ensure the empress, her princess daughter, their two royal dogs and tired looking male servant (me) could enter the grand premises in early June.

They promised, they delivered and they paid for it. Some builders had disappeared into the cement as the empress was re-living moments of when her ancestors built a great wall back home. There was no mercy throughout the entire project, everyone played their part in achieving Cleopatra’s grand vision.

Here is the dialogue between our builder and my wife on the handover day:

Wife: You come before me as a suppliant.
Paul “The Polish builder”: If you choose to regard me as such.
Wife: You will therefore assume the position of a suppliant before this throne. You will kneel.
Paul “The Polish builder”:: I will *what*?
Wife: On-your-knees! (Smack, back-hand kung-fu slap across Paul’s face)
Paul “The Polish builder”: You dare ask for a price discount for a 13^th time?
Wife: I *asked* it of Rupert Murdoch. I *demand* it of you!  
Paul “The Polish Builder”: ouch stop twisting my left eyelid using the force…..
Wife: You are getting too close. I can feel a kung fu chill riding up my spine….. You’ve got to let go of that stuff from the past because it just doesn’t matter . The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now….
Action: round-house kick to the left temple and the builder is still stuck in our backyard in a foetal position sucking his right thumb…..On a serious note, she did an incredible job, the house is exceeding our dreams/expectations, the dogs have a much bigger toilet, Maya a bigger playground, and daddy more garden work.

During our homeless period we always felt at home staying with family and friends and it was a lot to take on 2 adults and a toddler for 60 days & nights. Our second host family consisted of a German architect and Spanish raw food vegan specialist(s)…..you have to remember when our family drives down the motorway and a fly comes through the vent my wife eats it….nothing goes to waste and she loves meat (protein). So living in a household with rice milk, raw food and lots of celery was an eye-opener. Every night my carnivore wife would whisper in my ears “I didn’t fight my way to the top of food chain to be a vegetarian“ …”I am not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are”…”Vegetarian- that’s an old Indian word meaning “lousy hunter”….either way after living with our friends for 5 weeks we did notice a difference. More energy, more frequent toilet visits, the carrot was definitely more active, overall I think it gave us a more balanced diet, of course our influence on the vegan’s also made them freak out a few times when we served them cooked food. Overall it was a very symbiotic relationship that consisted of love, laughter and vegetables.

Now that’s my 5 cents for today folks….

Danepack

Here are some quotes that made me chuckle recently:

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.