Like this:

I like the smell of a riot in the morning….. it adds a bit of excitement to suburban life where most risk revolves around avoid being hit by a stressed out mum on her school run in her “guilt-free” Toyota Prius while downing a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato…… in the past few months the world economy has been tossing some salad on an angry debt collector who likes to bash Mr Economy’s head into the tarmac……Pensions are shrinking, you need to work until you are 84 and then you still have another 30 years in retirement to keep the fire going with colostomy bags. Most of the Euro-zone is going down the toilet at the same speed as a turd covered in extra virgin olive oil disappearing into the magnificent London Victorian sewers ….the Greek goddess of hedonism is pulling down the pants of her German and French relatives while the English are standing on the side drinking Pimm’s and shouting “hurrah, hurrah, we told you so…. silly bastards”. It is going to be a great rollercoaster ride of economic downturn, shrinking disposable incomes with rising energy prices…..there is however a positive twist to this otherwise depressing paragraph…… even though energy prices are rising and we have cooler winters it doesn’t matter because everyone’s waist size has increased by 13.9% since 1978 and because we are fatter we can take colder winters with a breeze, don’t worry about the “minor” side effects of heart failure and diabetes….at least we will be sweating in a cold house while the insulin is running low!

The past 3 months have been busy for our household. We settled into our new home and my wife managed to get rid of the smell of dead Polish builders from the garden with some bleach and hydrochloric acid. My in-laws who consist of the legendary black belt pharmaceutical pill popping champion Jiminy Cricket and his beloved wife Kung Fu Panda stayed with us for 2 weeks and it was a delight to have them in our new Disney castle. They took care of our little rascal Maya Mouse while she was transitioning between two nurseries.  It didn’t take long for Maya Mouse to dominate her new playground….every evening when I arrive at the nursery I can hear her shout the following commands to the other kids “If you ladies leave my playground, if you survive my Euro-Asian training, you will no longer need diapers. You will be pouring vodka into your milk bottles. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! You will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. Here you are all equally worthless. Do you maggots understand that?”   And she asks to be driven away from the nursery while standing up in her pram waving good-bye to the poor little kids with the back of her hand….in fact it looks very similar to an 1880’s queen Victoria parade or maybe more like some German fella’s in the 20^th century…….

I have been doing a lot of driving lately visiting clients all over the UK and as a result I often tune into Radio 2 where there is a program called “Factoids” where they present useless facts from planet earth.  So here are some of the strange facts with my responses to them in italic…..

Your ears and your nose carry on growing all your life….true my grand dad’s ears were longer than my thighbone by the time he was 80.

Bees have 5 eyes…then how come they still can’t find their way out when I open the window?

Adults spend on average of 16 times as many hours selecting clothes every day as they do planning their retirement…at least they will know what to wear when they get old

Dolphins’ hearing is so acute they can pick up sounds from 15 miles away….my wife can hear me farting in North West London when she gets off the plane in Malaysia

Every human spent 30 minutes as a single cell…..Not true my daughter Maya was actually three cells, but when the doctors looked in the microscope she had already eaten the other two cells while she raised her middle finger at the doctor!

You grow about 8mm every night but shrink to your former height the next morning….I can think of other parts of my body that grows slightly more than 8mm every night

The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.

All planets rotate anti-clockwise apart from Venus….no wonder they say women are from Venus

In Washington there is one lawyer for every 19 residents….that explains why America needs water

Goat’s pupils are rectangular…..so were mine at Ministry of Sound in 1995 in my clubbing hay day…

Moon was Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name

Women raise their voices a pitch higher when they talk to men they’re interested in……my wife just uses violence to show affection

Food takes 7 seconds to get from mouth to stomach…..yep and then sometimes 6-8 hours from the stomach to the arse

Humans blink over 10 million times a year and the heart beats 30 million times a year…..no wonder it’s tired by the time you hit 75…..

We spend around two weeks of our lives at traffic lights……and most men spend 2 weeks every year waiting for their wives to put on the make-up

People generate enough saliva in their lifetime to fill 2 swimming pools….perhaps, but I have seen small kids generate a swimming pool in 1 week…..

You can remove and replace all body parts apart from brain…..I am pretty sure with a magnifying glass and some tweezers it would be possible to remove and replace some politician’s brains 

And to round up this quarterly edition with some George Carlin quotes…..

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Hope you and your loved ones are doing well…….If you are coming by London drop me an email.

Asta la vista,
Danepack Shakur