Happy Halloween

Dear Friends,

It’s that time of year to celebrate the spirits of the dead and tonight will be the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallows’ Day, also known as All Saints’ Day – Happy Halloween. Unfortunately it falls on a Tuesday so my kids are well unhappy normally they get to go to bed on Halloween at 22.00 but today it will be 21.00….bummer they will really be missing out on eating all that sugar and sweets.  WoooOOooo! Witches, ghosts, spirits, zombies, vampires, big spiders, cobwebs, hollowed out pumpkins and tons of sweets for kids all my dentist friends are delighted as they can feel their wallet grow in the next quarter…their American Express Platinum is warming up for some nice expenditure in 2018…..kids listen to your parents so you will never have to hear “I told you so” in a patronising and annoying voice eat less sweets on Halloween.

Bizarrely enough when I grew up in Denmark in the 1970’s and 80’s Halloween wasn’t on the radar as we didn’t pray for evil spirits to stay away from our crop and my family hadn’t been in farming since the 18th century but now with American culture having spread like a wildfire it’s a big deal in most of the world. My kids just love it and even my friends in Scandinavia, Germany, France and Italy now celebrate Halloween with their kids. I am thinking about showing my kids 5 mins of the horror film Halloween to get them to not like Halloween but this strategy could backfire and I don’t want to run the risk of them coming to our bedroom with nightmares for the next 2 months.

In our neighbourhood Halloween really shows where the American’s live in London you don’t just have to look for who is wearing white socks and sandals. In front of a British person’s home you see the odd sorry Pumpkin and 1 or 2 decorations where the British parent felt obliged to make their kids raise an eyebrow, whereas walking past a US residents home it’s like being at Disneyworld for lights, costumes and decorations it is like comparing European defence budgets with the US……well there really isn’t any comparison as the US one is 1000% bigger and the same goes for Halloween party budgets.

You know since turning 40 a few years ago I have been battling middle age and trying to run away from it, but I am constantly reminded by my two girls and wife. Look at daddy’s round belly, see his little moon appearing and a forehead the size of Denmark but in August I finally felt the nail of realisation hit my middle aged coffin. I bought a Miami Vice lookalike speedboat to feel young, and quickly I realised only a young nutcase would buy a boat like that. When I start the beast Shell Oil prices in Nigeria go up by 2.5%, when I cruise along at 30-40 knots I might as well stop at a petrol station and take the nearest pump to a hole in the ground and leave pump running for an hour. I have calculated it does 1.5 mpg – People that drive Lamborghini are having a laugh it’s like an economical hybrid prius next to a speed boat. Towards end of summer the family and I decided to sail across from Beaulieu River (Bucklers Hard) to Cowes on Isle of Wight. My god boats are so unreliable, I am just glad they don’t fly…on our 11 outings it broke down twice. When we arrived at Cowes after a 20 min crossing some water had entered the engine and I had to quickly moor it along a Marine Engineer’s workshop. I took the family for some lovely tapas but I wanted to go back to make sure I had tied the ropes properly. When I got to within 5 meters of boat I saw two young mechanics (Marine Engineer) most likely in their 20’s looking at the boat having the following conversation and they didn’t notice me standing near them:

Marine Engineer 1:  who would own a boat like this….was it some football hooligan from Portsmouth or a slum landlord from Southampton?

Marine Engineer 2: No you wouldn’t believe it mate, it was some middle aged guy with a young Asian bird and two small kids.

Marine Engineer 1: No way, I don’t believe you mate!!!!! You got to be joking!

I stood frozen in time behind them feeling my belly flop in the wind and my thin hair blowing in the wrong direction….. they didn’t know I was the owner of the boat, I quickly faded away anonymously in the background knowing full well that was the reality of my existence. Inside I still feel 28 and somehow I still see that young person in the mirror but it is all a delusion. Since then I am hitting the badminton court hard, going on a plant based diet, seeing hair specialist, whitening my teeth, I mean if I don’t look like Wayne Newton by Christmas I will be disappointed. Such a natural healthy ageing look he doesn’t at all look worried about ageing!

Wayne Newton

So here we are in the 21st century where everything is about speed, efficiency, agile delivery everyone is in a rush to keep track of their busy lives. But is it really progress? See photo of speedometer from my wife’s city car.

2017-10-30 08.37.46

4300 miles over 375 hours gives us an average speed of 12 mph. Now in 1970 so almost half a century ago even with bell bottoms, huge hair and old cars in other words not at all aerodynamic with a fraction of the horse power of today’s vehicles people moved around London 25% faster. You could fly to New York in 2 hours and 45 mins, today it takes 7 hours. Check-in the airport was only 45 mins before a flight and you still had time for a drink and smoke in the lounge, today you will need 2 to 3 hours before departure to make it through security in time. At work I was told that people would go to each other’s desk and talk about things and resolve problems quickly. Today we need endless emails and a ton of conference calls to even get some form of agreement even though we are in the same building. Oh dear I sound like my grand dad – what is it with ageing why do we always complain about changes and the current status quo and reminisce about a past that no doubt was pretty awful. I will now take off those rose tinted spectacles and head out into the cold to enjoy trick and treat with the kids.

Have a wonderful autumn with family and friends……

Happy Halloween

Danepack Shakur

 

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Summer of 2017 comes to a close

Dear Friends,

Christmas Day last year was one of the warmest on record with the mercury rising to 15C in Aberdeenshire, almost as high as the 15.6C recorded in Devon on Christmas Day in 1920. Back in June and July the UK was roasting in the hottest heatwave since 1976. Britain was officially hotter than both the Sahara Desert (32C) and the Gobi Desert (26C) as well as Cancun, Mexico, which hit a high of only 28C. Heathrow in west London recorded temperatures of 34.5C in late June, the highest for June since the 35.6C recorded in Southampton on June 28 1976. The 40-year high – which is the hottest summer solstice on record – was recorded as parts of Britain sweltered for five consecutive day’s with temperatures above 30C. Outside the school gates all the parents simply couldn’t wait for summer holiday to start for the kids……and you know what….yes you guessed it right exactly on the day kids all across the UK began their summer holiday the weather changed instantly. Temperatures dropped to 15-18c and it has rained non-stop since, its grey, cold, windy, mcfilthy mcnasty as they would say at McDonalds and I do feel sorry for the kids, but at least the British summer weather is consistently shite….if anyone mention’s global warming to me while I am sitting in my warm fleece in August freezing my backside off I will personally castrate them…..we are freezing here please give us some sunshine, heat and rising temperature….we are craving vitamin D, however it is about to change as we embark on our annual migration to warmer climates…..Italy here we come I hope my wife’s contact lenses melt when we step out of the plane, I hope the snap, crackle and pop sound is evident when I get off the toilet seat in 35c heat…..please SUN spoil us, we need you.

My spam filters on both my gmail and Hotmail accounts are pretty good at catching dodgy emails, unfortunately my work email filter is just not that effective….here are the subject lines of emails I receive regularly:

“Daily trick to fix baldness

Secret protocol to fix toenail fungus

1 food that kills high blood pressure

Desperate Russian beauties for dates

Best traded pills – save your marriage get some Viagra…Prices gone mad!

Best prices for male enlargement

Congratulations you have won $10.5 million waiting for you ….click here

She is 88 years old but looks 55…..

Protect your family from terror attacks”

The challenge I have with this marketing guru (knob-end) from the email marketing company is how conflicting their messages are, they are simply not good at customer profiling. I made the mistake of buying a b-2-b data list back in 2009 in the US and since then those bastards have been selling my email address. So according to their customer profile of me, I have loads of money apparently in some Nigerian account, my marriage is in trouble and somehow Viagra will save it, but unfortunately my privates are too small so I will need an enlargement, I am balding and have toenail fungus. I want to know how can those Russian beauties still want a date with me? I sound pretty unattractive, and more worryingly they are not selling the Russian beauties that well…..she is 88 but looks 55….ehhh gee let me think….. no thanks I will stick to my wife who is 42 but looks 28 but I wouldn’t mind some of those hand guns and techniques they are trying to sell me on how to kill terrorist but instead use the weaponry and experience to find the marketing director from the email marketing company and liquidate this person, no actually I take that back I would like to liquidate any person who responds and buys from these bastards spam emails, they do not deserve to live!

The family just returned from 2 blissful weeks of Italian sunshine, marvellous food, relaxation, and with enough vitamin D stored in my middle finger to raise it to the UK autumn grey skies. We went to celebrate a friend’s wedding in Verona and to meet up with 60-70 old and new friends. Italy what a country, food to die for, beautiful weather, fantastic infrastructure, what a quality of life, no wonder the economy is in the doldrums….who wants to work when life is so good, I totally get it.  We were sailing on Lake Garda, went to Gardaland (Italian version of Disneyland) which is a joy in the middle of August when 60 million Italians are all on holiday. I am 6 ft 4 (195cm) and with quite a girth around the waist so while standing in the queues I found 2 Italian men hiding in my shadow to get some shelter from the burning afternoon sun, you feel good about yourself when you are used as a tree or bus shelter for other people to avoid the sun, I found my purpose in life.  Then it was off for culture and history in Venice with old friends. After spoiling the kids for a week with everything they wanted it was time for some adult time so when our friends Steve and Kasia arrived for their wedding at a beautiful idyllic manor house mum and dad got a chance to party with adults for 3-4 days……we ate and drank like Louis the 14th, had a wonderful time with old friends. It was a smashing time and everyone there had an incredible time. We flew back with Ryanair this morning, we left behind 30c and arrived in Stansted airport where it was windy, grey, cold and in fact a good place to die, but unfortunately we didn’t have any robe to hang ourselves, no garage within 30 miles to gas ourselves, and no terrorist nearby to blow us up, every time we jumped out in front of a car the modern ABS brakes were very effective they always missed us…..what a bummer we were all ready for it. The holiday blues is alive and kicking, yet somehow we all love coming back home. Away is good, but home is best…school starts in 2 weeks then mummy and daddy can finally enjoy some peace and quiet.

On that happy bombshell, I hope you had a terrific summer with your loved ones and have returned energised and ready for the autumn.

All the best,
Danepack Shakur

Danepack Shakur Survives Spring 2017

Dear Friends,

After another politically unstable quarter where Trump is playing Russian roulette with a North Korean dictator should we all be living in fear of the future……then again with that lush free flowing ginger blond hair he might just be able to charm his way across the Middle East and North Korea…..they do like blondes with a ginger complexion and cats are popular in the Arab world so hopefully he will be well received and progress can be made.

Back to more domestic news. The Manchester terrorist attack has shocked the nation and we are all still in mourning, I just can’t imagine living in places like Iraq and Syria where these happen weekly……when it is this close to home it’s difficult to comprehend the tragedy and our hearts bleed for the loss of innocent lives, but I am still lost for words on how to comment on this. Election in England is in 2 weeks and no one seems to care. The choice is similar to an enemy asking you if you want to die by hanging, firing squad or electric chair. The choice is rather dreary and with Brexit fear still gripping the nation does anyone care about this election.  Here is our latest crop of candidates:

The aggressive female T100 terminator, the socialist evil emperor and a man with no chance of winning after his views on fox hunting, abortion and a second Brexit referendum was disclosed. It just isn’t fair that we have such limited choice, at least France got the chance to have another youngster who appears to have replaced Obama as the “cool president” globally.

After a mild spring the family decided it was time to visit the good old pearl of Asia namely my wife’s birthplace for Easter. Oh Penang we love it, a bit of heat stroke, third degree sunburn, food poisoning, hot wet jungle, mosquitoes, dengue fever, spicy food, strange smells of dead animals in the market, in-laws that have seventh dan black belt in nagging my wife, political corruption, institutional discrimination, fundamentalism…..come on what is there not to love ;-). No honestly we love the place. It’s so relaxing, food is adventurous, the massages phenomenal, and it’s one of the only currencies that have followed the British Stirling southbound due to $4 billion going missing from the public coffers so we can actually afford it there. With the strong euro we are staying well clear from the continent, but Malaysia is just about right for our beaten up British pounds and we can eat like royalty and sleep like a Rothschilds’ trust fund baby.

Since 2015 I have been discussing my middle age and it has finally hit me hard. The diameter of my waist is longer than the lengths of my legs and I was known as long leg seagull at school so that is saying something, the hair is thinning very quickly and a moon is appearing, kids call me “fatso”, people stand up and offer me a seat on the tube even when I stand next to pregnant women come on what is there not to love. Family constantly cuddles me because I am soft, I get special attention on public transport, I need to apply sun lotion on the top of my head in other words I am becoming more aerodynamic with my bullet shaped skull so I will go faster on my scooter to meetings, less drag so it will be more fuel efficient as well, the wife adores my love handles she is a great rodeo rider when she whips that bull into shape  oh sorry in my dreams I meant when she makes that overweight Danish bacon squeal like a pig due to her work commitments of building an empire for the kids…….I am middle age, people expect me to be narrow minded, bigoted, I enjoy Daily Mail and I can finally stop caring what other people think…….trust me ageing isn’t too bad when you consider the alternatives as I mentioned previously.

This week we lost an old family friend. He was nearly 90 years old and lived life to the full. He lived the most incredible life with no regrets. A life full of excitement, adventure, and good fortune where the lucky stars constantly took a shine to him. He did so many good deeds and helped millions of poor children around the world and I have no doubts his spirit is in better place now. He was an inspiration with his positive attitude and no one could tell stories better than him. Even the most naughty and rude stories were delivered with elegance, style, a raised eyebrow and a twinkle in his eyes that made it perfectly fine, just don’t try repeating them because not everyone has that unique delivery. It was a privilege to call him a family friend for 25 years and we send our condolences to his family. He was very funny and wise. We were having dinner 10 years ago and I asked Sir Roger a question.

Me:  Imagine I asked my dad (who was 62 years old at the time) if he could continue smoking, drinking, partying like 1969 and as a result die at 72 years old or alternatively start doing yoga, drink green tea, stop smoking and live to he is 80 years old and much to my dissappointment my dad chose the first option……..

Sir Roger’s response: “ask him the same question when he is 71 years old”

On that happy bombshell, I hope your family and loves ones will have an excellent summer full of fun, love and laughter.

All the breast,
Danepack Shakur

Some comments that made me chuckle:

  • If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you are lonely any more.
  • Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.
  • I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
  • Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  • Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car.
  • Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
  • If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

 

Danepack get’s Trumped in Q1 2017……

Dear Friends,

Happy New Year to you and your family unless you are an ISIS Jihadist or a Trump Supporter, of course I am an equal opportunity abuser and I hope even Jihadists and US president supporters have a miserable year like the rest of us. Last update when I referred to being Trumped, in my wildest dreams I could not have predicted how TRUMPED we were going to get in just his first 30 days in office…..If 8 false stories in comparison to Obama’s 1 in his first month is any indication of what is coming in the next 4 years, it is a clear sign that the Trump team is operating on a different planet to previous administrations. But you know what they say….it takes one to know one so there might just be hope for all of us……President Trump’s qualities might just be what Russia, China, Iran, and North Korea will respond to…..he is more likely to become friends with those folks than anyone from EU….see similarities in facial expressions?

 

Talking of dictatorships it is nice to see the aggressive Chairman Mao’s granddaughter aka my wife has been out in full force implementing a cultural revolution that would have made her granddaddy proud. Last fall she implemented a points scoring system where good behaviour is rewarded to our kids. Basically it’s a simple system where you can score 5 points per day for good behaviour. The Obergruppenführer rates each child on finishing dinner, playing nicely, doing homework, being polite and help with tidying. If our daughter scores over 90 points in a month/averaging 3 a day then they get to choose a gift. Our eldest daughter is an angelic role model so this system was implemented to improve the behaviour of our youngest daughter who is a mixture of Charles Bronson, Jaws, and Janis Joplin on a good day. The challenge with the scoring system is that on really bad days you can get -5 points if there if a meltdown in motion.

Unfortunately for Mila (youngest daughter) the month of January will be remembered in the same light as the month of May 1945 for Germany. She was hovering around the borderline on 91 points on the last day and she was confident she would get a present because she had averaged more than 3 points per day. It was 20.15 and she had brushed her teeth and was about to go to bed. She suddenly turned around in the bathroom and said “stupid poo hole” to her mum when asked if she would go to bed. You don’t mess with the Sturmbahnfuhrer that close to victory. She immediately got -5 points and ended up not qualifying for a present…..She freaked out when she found out about the harsh reality of what happened. This was her after the point deduction.

mila-out-of-bath

……her sister was given a nice new soft toy while she had to wait in the car. Since Feb 1st the younger sister has been a mixture of Margaret Thatcher and Teresa May….. stern, cold, intelligent, calculated not a lady for turning and scoring incredible well on the point scoring system….The system is working for her…. she wants to get that reward and on her current path March 1st might just be a good day for her….but never say never with a temper like an MMA fighter and mouth like a Turkish brothel owner in summer season who ran out of garlic it’s easy to lose points.

The family had a wonderful Christmas in Vence (France) where we got up to the usual shenanigans of plenty of wine, champagnes, oysters, and in general a feast that Louis the 14th would have been proud of. The sun was shining across the blue Mediterrean, the French were grumpy but elegant and our German neighbours (Siemens family lives next door) were busy marching around the tree on Christmas eve. Overall we couldn’t have wished for a more relaxing 10 days, the weather gods did shaft us on way back to the UK so we missed New Year ’s Eve as all flights were cancelled due to fog. Well, the Cote D’Azur is not the worst place to get stranded and we survived in the warmth of our grandparents’ love surrounded by 5 dogs…… Who needs the London zoo! On that happy bombshell, I want to wish you and your family a wonderful start to 2017…. As Elbert Hubbard said “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. “

All the best,
Danepack Shakur

 

 

Dec 2016 Update

Dear Friends,

2016……what a year! It is turning out to be rather tasty……every day when I look at my ipad or switch on the TV it’s like George Foreman gives me a stiff left jab right on my nose….BOSH….and I hear some voice in the back of my  head scream “what on earth is going on”. Every celebrity known to mankind is slowly dying, UK has given the middle finger to the EU, and an unsuccessful businessman but successful TV reality star has won the presidency of the US. We have all been brexited (broken) and Trumped! If Jesus and his father “GOD” were having a conversation upstairs I am sure it goes a bit like this:

“Father what do you think about this European utopia of the EU…closer integration, free movement of people and capital?” asked Jesus

Shhhh….stop it now son, it’s a nice idea but come on be realistic…..With Jean Claude Junker at the helm….that nutty Luxembourger EU leadership is heading straight down the Suez canal with all the sewage from Egypt

“ok so all the pensioners of the UK have shown the EU politicians that with some high strength Senokat & a spicy vindaloo they were able to cover Brussels in you know what….the S word, don’t want to swear in heaven…….”

“Please don’t interrupt me when I am interrupting you” said GOD

“Ohh god….sorry I mean “father”, didn’t mean to call you by your name. That candidate who won, he reminded me of a Roman general I thought he was wearing a gold helmet but then realised it was his hair”…..said Jesus

“Yes even in year 0 that was one unpopular hair-do and the things he said it would have gone down badly in the male chauvinistic times of  100-500 AD….but that’s enough talk about minor earthly things….simmer down son, you are tired and just showing off now….. go back upstairs and rest you got a lot of healing to do in the next 4 years!”

 

The family is getting ready for Christmas. The diary is quickly filling up, the pants are getting tighter and the calories are flowing downstream. Last week I went out 5 nights and I have to say London town is buzzing with people and filled with so many good looking girls.  “Filled” is a massive over-exaggeration. There were a few ranging from hot girls dressed as sexy Princess Leia slave, to “Dear god! Who’s stopping the Billy Goats Gruff crossing the bridge if you’re here?!  Ah you might be thinking oh my god Danepack is starting to sound like that sexist Trump…..if so I presume you were outraged at Topgear being fired from the BBC last year. I am personally outraged that people shove 3 middle aged men in my face and assume I am that kind of limp wanker just because I occasionally like to see 3 old lager louts dropping their overused testicles like circus tents onto every sports car they can find.

A new dilemma came to my mind the other night. Recently I have been watching a TV show where innocent people get to go undercover and spend 60 days in a US prison. It is incredible that outside prison everyone gets along in the cultural melting pot of the USA, but in prison it is all about race and colour. Whites, Latino’s and blacks all in segregation, but I think it is simply too narrow a selection band…..imagine during Trump’s new America you have been charged with Tax Evasion and spitting beetle nut juice on the sidewalk and you are from South Asia, olive skin, who speaks Sanskrit and has a swastika on your forehead for Hindu reasons………Which group do you join in prison? I know it’s a complicated question and I don’t know the answer. The prison gangs need a broader selection criteria, not one as complicated as the public sector for an IT tendering process but something a bit more open minded and helpful to all people! Just because you have a narrow minded president doesn’t mean you need to apply the same principles in prison!

It’s upwards and onwards for the rest of us, democracy has failed us, but at least consciousness and awareness is on the rise. I am just a middle aged man with a pot belly surrounded by too many female hormones (3 girls in the house) so I do witness irrational behavior daily I just didn’t expect millions of voters to make irrational choices……but c’est la vie ……so as Nike says “Just do it”….BT (Brexit and Trump) here we come watch out it will be a rough next 4 years, tighten your seat-belts and get ready for some turbulence.

On that happy bombshell have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year with your family and friends and I hope our paths will cross in 2017.
Hasta La Vista,

Danepack Shakur

Sep 2016 Update

Dear Friends,

Unless you are a suicide bomber on a final salary pension plan from ISIS and have been topping up your 401K with some smart investments away from oil and gas then 2016 is turning out to be unpredictable, unstable and rather turbulent year full of disaster and death. If I was a celebrity I wouldn’t leave the house they seem to be dropping like flies….if celebrities keep up at this rate where will Daily Mail be in 3 years with no one left to write about? Ahh good old Brexit it finally happened…….. I think we are all Brexit out in UK…..an Arab spring for the chavs, 16 million young people got shafted by 17 million pensioners…young people were already used to be left with a pulp after their parents squeezed every fruit available – free university, incredible abundance of jobs, amazing final salary pensions, low cost housing and since 1972 could work anywhere in EU, but let’s remove this perk for young people. I am just glad to report that the scaremongering so far has not come true. They said if we leave EU, UK will again be the sick man of Europe, go back to baked beans on toast for decades, and have an economy on par with Zimbabwe – on the contrary its boom time baby – Team GB smashed the Olympics at RIO 2016, UK has one of the lowest unemployment rates in EU, the economy appears to have stabilised after the initial wobble, apart from the British pound being worth a lot less we haven’t really felt anything negative so far, but it’s too early to celebrate let’s see what happens when Theresa May executes article 50 and Boris Johnson visit Brussel’s to negotiate new trade terms……may GOD help us!

During the summer we migrated to our favourite country for some sun, beach, relaxation and spending quality time with friends. France is the most visited country in the world, 8% of their GDP comes from tourism with 75 million annual visitors, and it’s an incredibly beautiful place with a world class cuisine, amazing sea, wonderful wine, and staggering mountains but for all its beauty GOD tried to bring them down on par with the rest of Europe by putting 66 million stubborn and arrogant people on the land! Can you imagine France with 5 million friendly Danes in it and no one else? It would be paradise on earth but perhaps unrealistic to find such an amazing place! However, back to France you have to admire their stubbornness. They have just witnessed 3 vicious terrorist attacks in less than 18 months and they are still going around banning burkini’s with armed guards on the beach, talk about asking for trouble….it’s like the person who shared a prison cell with Mike Tyson and who couldn’t stop laughing at his high pitch voice, you know it was only a question about time before it went BAM! In a democracy with our western values of freedom of expression and speech I am ok with the Burkini but please just keep the Mankini away from the beach!

mankini

As I always say real men have two girls and since I have two wonderful daughters I want to tell you about my disappointment in the toy store. Over the weekend we had to visit a toys R Us to buy a present for a kid’s birthday party. Every time we visit a toy shop I can’t help but visit the boys section to check out latest action figures, toy guns, model trains, radio controlled cars all the stuff I can relate to, and every time the girls keep pulling me back to the girls section for pure unadulterated torture. My daughters like Sylvanian families which is basically a collection of small distinctive animal characters (rabbit, sheep, hedgehog etc) with homes, furniture and accessories. Suddenly I noticed there is a huge focus on toilets. Ok I get these animals are vegetarian so they regularly need the loo but still they don’t seem to do anything else but going for a poo. They have got toilets for camping, for the house, one built into the trees these animals should be advertising for senokot (Senokot is a reliably effective laxative made with natural senna to give predictable relief from occasional or non-persistent constipation). Now I know why women spend so much time in the toilets, they are brainwashed from a young age, even their toys constantly need to visit the lavatory. See some of the varieties below:

toilet-1 toilet-2 toilet-3

And I think the animal families look sweet apart from the hedgehogs……I mean honestly see below it looks like a German family with mullets working in the porn industry in 1983!

hedgehog-family

The kids went back to school this week, how wonderful for the millions of parents around the UK who can now relax and know that their little rascals are back in business firing up their dormant brain cells. 7 weeks is a long time to entertain kids, thank god for Steve Jobs and the Ipad it certainly helped occasionally when the old folks needed a break. How did my parents do it in the 1970’s and 80’s, oh yes I forgot, just go out in the garden and shoot a friend in the leg with your bow and arrow, remember to wipe away the blood before you send your friend home on a stretcher.  Oh childhood, what a glorious time to get up to mischief I do often miss the violence and pain! Our summer of 2016’ was excellent though, the weather was good, and we spend significant quality time with friends and family, now it’s back to business for young and old ones and recharge our batteries before the heavy Christmas season is upon us to beast us yet again.

I hope your loved ones and you had a terrific summer.

All the breast

Danepack Shakur

June 2016 Update

Dear Friends,

Brexit fever is hitting feverish temperatures in the UK……So will the UK vote to leave Europe or stay in on June 23?……I think the lyrics from the punk band “The Clash” are particularly poignant ……

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

Some of the scare mongering from both campaigns have been outrageous in some respect similar to US elections with Trump vs. Hillary.  Some of the scary posters I have been getting through the door focus on the negatives of staying in EU……if we don’t leave 89 million people from eastern bloc countries will overrun Britain by 2020, pigs will soon only speak Polish, the EU costs Britain £350 million per week and they only get half of that back. On the flipside 3.5 million jobs in Britain are due to EU, 54% of British exports go to EU, the majority of economists and politicians encourage us to stay, yet old pensioners keep shouting on TV “we must protect Britishness and I don’t want to be controlled by some Belgium paedophile dressed in a waffle costume while drinking Leffe beer” I do realise that by staying vast amounts of money goes to sustain some private club for failed politicians so they can enjoy the high life without the responsibility, but by staying we have some sense of stability and right now the UK economy is already on shaky ground and could do with some certainty. Either way Brexit worries me less than this l’Oreal hair stylist’s wet dream……if he gets into power get ready for that finger pushing buttons in the Whitehouse that launches invasions and missiles into the Middle East while fighting serious constipation……last time I looked like that was after 3 Big Mac’s with no water and in serious need of the lavatory for a number 2.

Trump Finger

Enough politics and news coverage. Back to the good old world of middle age, family life, and marriage. We just finished the kids half-term holiday and it was a marvellous one. Firstly, I got to use camping equipment I had bought 3 years ago, secondly after 24 hours in the wilderness my kids told me they were done with camping. Result….. job done! Another box ticked on the bucket list of family experiences before the birds leave the nest. It all started out with good intentions. We set up camp in Chipping Norton, weather was lovely 22c unfortunately we did have to stare at some caravans nearby which isn’t ideal but ok we are doing it for the kids as they really wanted to try it. As soon as we finished some ravioli from a Heinz tin cooked on a small gas cooker the kids wanted to go to bed, honestly they were that excited to test their torch, 2 season sleeping bag and air mattress. But they forgot something those small suckers this is Great Britain and Global warming is in full swing so the temperatures dropped to 8c in early June. Let’s just say I awoke to the kids teeth rattling next door like a train wreck and them discussing how freezing it was, and the Malaysian Dictator who had been whinging about cold weather in Britain was sleeping like a hibernating Grizzly bear and sweating like a championship boxer in a sauna covered in bin liners……she was like a volcano and everyone else with Nordic blood in them came up to the South East Asian Volcano for heat. Poetic justice, the parents didn’t want to go camping but ended up sleeping well and getting by just fine, and the kids who really wanted it…… all they could think about was their nice bunk bed back in London…….salvation lies within girls I said to them as we packed our gear and returned home none the wiser.

Back in April I joined our 25 year re-union with my old school friends in Denmark. What a joy to reminiscence about our youth in the 1980’s, old memories flooded back of terrible hair do’s, fluorescent jackets, and bizarre experiences of puberty riddled with insecurities. This was a time when the world was enormous: spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of my neighbourhood and the journey to school. The place I grew up, where I didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn. The street was our territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where I didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded me were as familiar as the things in my own room…….my gosh what did happen? Feels like it was yesterday and I am starting to sound like my parents…..almost reasonable, I better up the medication!!!

On that happy bombshell, I hope your loved ones and you have a terrific summer. Stay cool by the pool.
All the breast Danepack Shakur

Some sayings I recently read that made me chuckle……..

Sharks are not so bad… If a stranger came into my house wearing only a bathing suit, I’d probably get angry too.

Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.