Christmas Day last year was one of the warmest on record with the mercury rising to 15C in Aberdeenshire, almost as high as the 15.6C recorded in Devon on Christmas Day in 1920. Back in June and July the UK was roasting in the hottest heatwave since 1976. Britain was officially hotter than both the Sahara Desert (32C) and the Gobi Desert (26C) as well as Cancun, Mexico, which hit a high of only 28C. Heathrow in west London recorded temperatures of 34.5C in late June, the highest for June since the 35.6C recorded in Southampton on June 28 1976. The 40-year high – which is the hottest summer solstice on record – was recorded as parts of Britain sweltered for five consecutive day’s with temperatures above 30C. Outside the school gates all the parents simply couldn’t wait for summer holiday to start for the kids……and you know what….yes you guessed it right exactly on the day kids all across the UK began their summer holiday the weather changed instantly. Temperatures dropped to 15-18c and it has rained non-stop since, its grey, cold, windy, mcfilthy mcnasty as they would say at McDonalds and I do feel sorry for the kids, but at least the British summer weather is consistently shite….if anyone mention’s global warming to me while I am sitting in my warm fleece in August freezing my backside off I will personally castrate them…..we are freezing here please give us some sunshine, heat and rising temperature….we are craving vitamin D, however it is about to change as we embark on our annual migration to warmer climates…..Italy here we come I hope my wife’s contact lenses melt when we step out of the plane, I hope the snap, crackle and pop sound is evident when I get off the toilet seat in 35c heat…..please SUN spoil us, we need you.
My spam filters on both my gmail and Hotmail accounts are pretty good at catching dodgy emails, unfortunately my work email filter is just not that effective….here are the subject lines of emails I receive regularly:
“Daily trick to fix baldness
Secret protocol to fix toenail fungus
1 food that kills high blood pressure
Desperate Russian beauties for dates
Best traded pills – save your marriage get some Viagra…Prices gone mad!
Best prices for male enlargement
Congratulations you have won $10.5 million waiting for you ….click here
She is 88 years old but looks 55…..
Protect your family from terror attacks”
The challenge I have with this marketing guru (knob-end) from the email marketing company is how conflicting their messages are, they are simply not good at customer profiling. I made the mistake of buying a b-2-b data list back in 2009 in the US and since then those bastards have been selling my email address. So according to their customer profile of me, I have loads of money apparently in some Nigerian account, my marriage is in trouble and somehow Viagra will save it, but unfortunately my privates are too small so I will need an enlargement, I am balding and have toenail fungus. I want to know how can those Russian beauties still want a date with me? I sound pretty unattractive, and more worryingly they are not selling the Russian beauties that well…..she is 88 but looks 55….ehhh gee let me think….. no thanks I will stick to my wife who is 42 but looks 28 but I wouldn’t mind some of those hand guns and techniques they are trying to sell me on how to kill terrorist but instead use the weaponry and experience to find the marketing director from the email marketing company and liquidate this person, no actually I take that back I would like to liquidate any person who responds and buys from these bastards spam emails, they do not deserve to live!
The family just returned from 2 blissful weeks of Italian sunshine, marvellous food, relaxation, and with enough vitamin D stored in my middle finger to raise it to the UK autumn grey skies. We went to celebrate a friend’s wedding in Verona and to meet up with 60-70 old and new friends. Italy what a country, food to die for, beautiful weather, fantastic infrastructure, what a quality of life, no wonder the economy is in the doldrums….who wants to work when life is so good, I totally get it. We were sailing on Lake Garda, went to Gardaland (Italian version of Disneyland) which is a joy in the middle of August when 60 million Italians are all on holiday. I am 6 ft 4 (195cm) and with quite a girth around the waist so while standing in the queues I found 2 Italian men hiding in my shadow to get some shelter from the burning afternoon sun, you feel good about yourself when you are used as a tree or bus shelter for other people to avoid the sun, I found my purpose in life. Then it was off for culture and history in Venice with old friends. After spoiling the kids for a week with everything they wanted it was time for some adult time so when our friends Steve and Kasia arrived for their wedding at a beautiful idyllic manor house mum and dad got a chance to party with adults for 3-4 days……we ate and drank like Louis the 14th, had a wonderful time with old friends. It was a smashing time and everyone there had an incredible time. We flew back with Ryanair this morning, we left behind 30c and arrived in Stansted airport where it was windy, grey, cold and in fact a good place to die, but unfortunately we didn’t have any robe to hang ourselves, no garage within 30 miles to gas ourselves, and no terrorist nearby to blow us up, every time we jumped out in front of a car the modern ABS brakes were very effective they always missed us…..what a bummer we were all ready for it. The holiday blues is alive and kicking, yet somehow we all love coming back home. Away is good, but home is best…school starts in 2 weeks then mummy and daddy can finally enjoy some peace and quiet.
On that happy bombshell, I hope you had a terrific summer with your loved ones and have returned energised and ready for the autumn.
All the best,